Close Encounter of the Asshole Kind – Part II

Posted: December 22, 2008 in Uncategorized

No, I did not piss off another police man. (I wish!)

But after a little chat with D at the office, I thought I’d talk about dealing with Assholes again.

Apparently, D was minding her own business one day and Asshole walks up to her and goes, “Get out of my way, Potty,” pokes D’s tummy and says, “I used to be like you. Then I dieted.”

Now, under different circumstances, such as watching this on a sitcom, I might have actually found this funny. But see, D is like this freakishly sweet puppy who was quite likely, in another life, one of those happy bunnies prancing in the sunshine while simultaneously feeding the starving children of Africa. And someone calling her fat is like someone kicking the little bunny in the face.

But of course, D was having a bad day already and called Asshole the B-word that rhymes with itch. But she apologized for it later that day, so naturally it doesn’t count. 😛

How would you have handled it? she asked.

Thus, being the considerate darling that I am (har har), I have decided to provide all those confused about how to handle Assholes in their everyday lives with Makuluwo’s Guidelines to Close Encounters of the Asshole (AH) Kind:

1. Stand your ground or get pushed over.
If they say something insulting, do not take it, or the assholity will continue.
Eg- AH: “Move over, Fatty. You’re so massive, the floor is creaking.”
Your response: “So is your mom, assface.”

2. Do NOT show weakness to the AH. Even if what they say or do really hurts. For that is exactly what those maggots feed on. Game-face on; this is war.

3. Have fun with it. Be creative.
Example creative response:
“If you talk in my direction again, I will bury you so far into the ground that the heat from the Earth’s core will incinerate your ass.”

Yeah sure, some people might say, sweetie, just ignore them, you can’t fight fire with fire.

Screw that.
This isnt Star Wars where “good defeats evil with its all-prevailing goodness, tra-la-la-la!” Jeez.
In the real world, bonafide Assholes are indiscriminate towards your level of ‘goodness’, or intelligence or looks or in fact any other characteristic.
They loathe all potential victims equally.

So in a nutshell, how does one kick an Asshole’s butt?
Beat them at their own game.

However approach this advice with some caution; I won’t be held responsible for one of our sweetheart Raalahamis beating you up with his baton for calling him an Assface. 😉

  1. SlowDeath.jr says:

    So true but before you go calling ppl assface be sure to have ppl to call incase for a fight 😛

  2. The Unsilent says:

    haha nice post :).. like your blog quote as well

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