Dear Auntie

Posted: February 26, 2009 in Uncategorized

This is in response to your little visit with Mother the other day, concerning certain questions that were surreptitiously asked about me and my, ahem, marital preferences.

Darling Auntie, if you wanted to know what sort of man I would tie myself to for the rest of my life, all you had to do was ask!

What is all this visiting under the false pretense of delivering a pudding and may I have a word with you in private about that pot plant in the garden and then sneaking Mother off to the kitchen and asking her instead?
Beating around the proverbial bush no?

And pot plant, Auntie?
Surely you could have thought up something more creative than that?

Well let us get straight down to business, shall we?

The ideal candidate for the subject at hand, would have to be precisely within the height range 6.2ft>x>5.8ft. Not an inch more or less.

He would have to be quite fluent in matters of general worldly matters, poetry and literature, comedy, philosophy… business, economics, science… a bit of french and italian. Throw in some chinese for good measure (you know how they’re saying the chinese are slowly taking over the world no Auntie?).

Oh and he’s got to know how to cook. Gourmet meals of course.

A sharp set jaw and six pack is absolutely necessary, Auntie. After all, you want your future grand-nieces’n’nephews to have the best of the physical assets no?

He has to be very funny. So funny, that when he makes a joke, the whole room should erupt into raucous laughter. And one or two should find it hard to breathe even. From all the laughing I mean.

He has to obviously have a serious side too ah. Can’t be joking around all the time. He has to have a deep brooding side that suddenly will look at the moon and say something really.. well, deep. Preferably complimenting my face to the radiance of the moon, or some such thing.

Then on weekends and all, he’s a bungee jumping, scuba diving, travelling sort of fellow. Must have some good fun no?

He should be able to dance nicely also. Why? Aney, just.

So in a nutshell, this bloke you’re searching for to be betrothed to your angelic niece, has to be very caring, but not too possessive, opulent but not spoilt, strong-willed but not bossy, well-read but not too bookish, must be serious, but funny also, very sensitive but rugged, must have a stable job but must take me hang-gliding every now and then, must be good looking but not in a corny Clark Gable sort of way.

Ok?

Better write a proper list, and when you’re doing your little brokering thing, put a check or cross next to each requirement for each candidate.
You can send me the files later for consideration.

Now it might seem to you that I’ve made all this up to just trip you up, but who would suggest such a preposterous thing!

A suspicion might occur to you on your endless quest that finding this man is treacherously painstaking, and you might want to rest your facilities, and maybe even give up.
Please know that if you choose to do so, I would most whole heartedly understand.
That, in fact, it might even make me a bit.. ecstatic.

Your loving niece,
Makuluwo

P.S. That pudding you brought was real tasty ah.

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Comments
  1. PseudoRandom says:

    HAHAHAHAHA oh dear.

  2. Me says:

    Be careful of what you wish for, you might end up getting it.

  3. Makuluwo says:

    @Me: er, I think you missed the point entirely. The letter is dripping with sarcasm.

  4. indi says:

    Darling Auntie, if you wanted to know what sort of man I would tie myself to for the rest of my life, all you had to do was ask!What is all this visiting under the false pretense of delivering a pudding and may I have a word with you in private about that pot plant in the garden and then sneaking Mother off to the kitchen and asking her instead?hilarious

  5. TheWhacksteR says:

    Hilarious post! but you knw i think through all that sarcasm you were stioll being serious! now now dont lie..and six packs are not genetically transferable i think 🙂

  6. Gehan says:

    oi whacky, dnt ruin da illusion! of course they are genetically transferable! [flex]:Dbut lets be honest, ur sarcastic list is probably exactly what everyone woman dreams of anyways.. yet they still give us the “men are all abt appearances” bull shit… ha! women… [mumble]

  7. DeeCee says:

    lol 😀

  8. nikang says:

    I got everything except for the height and the six pack! dammit noh? 😛

  9. Lady divine says:

    Amen to that! :)Can I copy this list?:Dlol.. so I can give it to my mum and all the other people who’re on a similar search!:D

  10. Makuluwo says:

    Haha! How could I have been even remotely serious, Whacko, when I’m pretty sure such a man doesn’t exist? 😛 Darling Auntie will have a time looking for a fictional character no. ;)Too true, Gehan! Women.. *mumblemumble* ;D By all means, go right ahead, Lady D. (:

  11. AmethystSoul says:

    Rofl I’d love to see your auntie’s face when – if ever – she reads this.

  12. Me says:

    Are you sure about that? ;)Btw, remove that music thingy, it’s killing my bandwidth and I only have 5GB per month. Or is there a way to stop it from downloading automatically?

  13. Makuluwo says:

    Quite sure. Sorry about your bandwith, ‘fraid it can’t be helped. 😉

  14. The Celestial Dream says:

    HILARIOUS!!!!I hate it when they do that. They do that a lot don’t they?

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