Muslim Weddings

Posted: March 3, 2009 in Uncategorized

I hate em.

Not to be racist here, but I say Muslim Weddings, because those are the only ones I’ve been invited to so far, due to the obvious family-weddings fact and the fact that my non-Muslim friends are yet to get married.

Let me paint you the picture.
Keep in mind this is a generalized picture, accounting for atleast 75% of our weddings.

Muslim Weddings are all about the women. Men just boringly lounge around in their black tuxedos, nothing much to see there.
The women are all about bright sarees, gold bangles, great hairdos with surreptitiously placed wig pieces. More so when often the wedding is gender-divided.

The bride’s on the ‘throne’ on stage, joined by the groom later on.
She’s demure and shy and sweet all throughout, stiff as a board so as not to ruin her hair or makeup or crumple her perfectly positioned dress, bright lights burning down on her poor face, a doll on display really.

The torture has only begun.
For throughout the night, she will be defenseless against the strong-perfumed sticky-makeuped smoochies from the 1000 or so female audience below, one enthused auntie at a time.

Then there’s the biriyani, spruced with caju, and dishes of beans, pineapple, tempered chicken, curd à la maldive fish sambol, and then wattalapam. Standard wedding dinner.
Also for refreshment are the dozen Fanta and Sprite bottles on the table. Also standard.

An additional unwarranted standard is the Kissing of the Estranged Aunties.

These are not really aunties, but those shiny-faced ladies you call ‘auntie’ cuz you’re related to them in some long, distant way, and they’re looking up at you and saying how much you’ve grown and how pretty you’ve got and some sneaky quip about a potential beau.

Then they reach over and take a good whiff of either side of your face. Of course, the intention behind this loud sniffing is actually an affectionate auntie-kiss. But I suppose, somewhere along the line some auntie figured kissing messes up lipstick and face makeup, so let’s sniff em instead.
Some modern aunties have further lessened the kiss to the little cheek-to-cheek embrace thing.

The whole night is basically eating, ogling the bride-doll, getting sniffed at, and making small talk with people you hardly know.
It’s even worse when you’re horrible at remembering ultra-extended-family members like I am.

Person 1: Heeeey, how are you? It’s been so long! What are you upto?
Me: Oh I’m doing blahblah, you?
Person 1: Oh you know, blahblahblah.
Me: Great! Blahblahblah.
Person 1: Blah de blah! Kay then, catch you later! *cheek-to-cheek*
Person 2: Good friend of yours?
Me: Actually, I’m not quite sure.. who she is…

The night concludes.. um, prolonged-ly.
Meaning, mum says kay it’s time to go, but this is but a wicked illusion. In actuality, we will take approximately fourty five minutes to actually leave.
I think this is a general Sri Lankan thing no? -saying it’s time to leave, but then on the way to the exit, everyone stands around talking, and talking… and yapping summore.

It’s like, why did we get up? Just sit down, finish talking, and then when it’s really time to leave, get up and walk out the door instantly, reacting to all advances of further conversation or sniffage with ‘WOTEVAH’ and a talk-to-the-hand gesture.
But hey, that’s just me.

My wedding’s going to have a buffet, man. Some tasty variety. And there will be no throne, and sniffage-offenders will be made to walk the plank, matey!
And I want it all somewhere by the sea.
Like this oh-so-bohemian ceremony I found at indi’s.

Funkeh Japanese bride
  1. PseudoRandom says:

    Hahaha that sounds like pretty much any Lankan wedding reception. Maybe not the gender-division, but most of the rest.And OMG I know what you mean about not remembering people. Eek!And don’t talk to me about all that glorious food, I’m having ready-made chicken kiev for dinner 😥

  2. Serendib_Isle says:

    Hah ha ha! Consider yourself lucky to be a Muslim in Sri Lanka. I’ve attended a few weddings in the Arab World where the gender-division is at its best – the band plays from behind a screen; and going to a wedding reception and not seeing a solitary female is something that my little brain still fails to understand…Yeah, buffet then. But we love the biriyani and watalappam too…;)

  3. aufidius says:

    heh! brilliant and well articulated documentation of Sri Lankan Muslim weddings..agree completely with all you have said! good one! 🙂

  4. Gadgetgirl says:

    Haha! Well put! xD. Am with you! I soooooo hate them. The fact that the bride HAS to sit on that damn throne and look DOWN all the time! Wtf?!?

  5. FINroD says:

    oh man i hate weddings especially our kind… its just a bloody excuse for mothers to find prospective spouces for their children.. many a time my brother and I have been approached by these so called aunties.. ahh puthaa wat are u doing? how old are u? who’s child are you? and so the insistent questioning begins.. really tiring.. if it wasnt for the food.. I’d never go to one hehehe..

  6. DeeCee says:

    “The night concludes.. um, prolonged-ly.” hehehe!

  7. TheWhacksteR says:

    Ah! a long standing grievance of mine! the standard format muslim wedding.The thing is, everyone probabaly feels that such a lavish reception is unnecessary, but cave-in to family pressure. and damn can muslim families exert pressure:)Hands of the Biriyani though.. The December, January etc was filled with it for me. No regrets there. plus if its a close family wedding its not that bad, cos u know ppl

  8. Sain says:

    I go to two kinds of weddings 1-weddings of relatives Muslim(dads) and Sinhalese(moms)both are the same to me no difference I feel only fear/shy and annoyed at being dragged in there! and hardly utter a word. I hate them. 2-Friends – now those I love I can do what ever I want(almost) and no relatives breathing down your neck to see if the picture you are taking is the right angle even if you are not the official photographer , or to comment on the sari you are wearing, (I hate them). I even get to dance all I want to and talk all I want to with friends!

  9. nikang says:

    Oh Yes…Love going to a friend’s wedding ‘coz ye dont have to do the usual polite chit-chat instead get all raucous with me friends… Pity for the bridey though, ‘coz she sits there, up on the throne and stares longingly to be with us, and be as raucous and mad as we are…p.s. I’ve always wanted to write a book on Muslim weddings… and call it “Moor Weddings”…

  10. FINroD says:

    I think Malay weddings are quite different to Moor weddings.. I mean most malay weddings I’ve been to have been within the family.. and although u still have the magul kapuwa syndrome its fun becos u get to meet up with all ur cousins and have a fun time.. dancing and catching up… plus its not segregated hehehe… and well.. the foods ALWAYS excellent :D…

  11. Anonymous says:

    ahayeah havent i heard a miillion times(and more) of your dream wedding by the sea with your black and white themed attire!you promised ill be the brides maid k dont forget even if i parashute to the land of my birth…..and dont forget the coconut shelled drinks ah.

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