Archive for April, 2009

Dear NB

Posted: April 7, 2009 in Uncategorized

Dude. You just told the entire blogosphere that if they messed with you, you could destroy their anonymity.
Like you supposedly have already done with RD.
You just threw a flippant threat at all bloggers.
What the fuck are you? The internet mafia?

You spell well and you’re a senior blogger and I think you have a great readership following your blog despite criticism, but I think you went and killed a big chunky piece of that general blogger respect when you went and posted that.
Cheap, low blow.

I’m a noob in the blogosphere and even I know it’s a major fatass faux pas to go and publicly expose the identity of an anonymous blogger, and then tell other bloggers you could do the same to them if they tried anything funny.

And over what?
They kicked you in the crotch?
Toilet papered your house?
Ate your babies?
No? Oh.. you got called a neanderthal by someone you don’t know over the internet? And the moderator didn’t delete the comment?

Damn… that’s harsh! Putting up a map indication of where the blogger lives and his personal details for good measure is so justified now.

I don’t know RD or Dee that well at all, they’re just fellow bloggers, and being a noob I haven’t been following their blogs for very long.
So I’m being purely unbiased when I say this, NB…

Grow up.
And stop being such a psycho.
Srsly, my stomach curled up the way it did that time I saw maggots eating a dead squirrel on Discovery Channel when I read your post.

OMG I just called you a psycho! And you’re anal about name calling!
So that must mean…
You’re going to expose my identity now?! Or call me a ‘jobless bitch’ too?!
Or something even worse?!

*Cues horror music*

*Tries very hard to give a shit about this*


Btw guys, me taking a little hiatus out of town with the mad cousins to escape this godforsaken Colombo heat, so I shall see you all in two weeks! Mwah!

Goo goo gaa gaa!

Posted: April 6, 2009 in Uncategorized

What is this fascination that everyone has with babies?

‘Omg we have to go and see Aunty Blahblah’s baby!’
Why? All babies look alike to me. They’re all pudgy wriggly twitchy miniature humans.

‘Aaaneeeyyy, he’s SOOO cute!’
Has anyone seen an ugly baby? Yeah I didn’t think so.

‘Woocoo jooboo aww my wittle schnukky wukky woo!’
Do you know how disturbing it is to watch 30 to 40 year olds talk like that into the face of a startled looking baby who’s probably wondering why everyone’s speaking Retardese?

‘Makuluwooo isn’t this baby the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seeeeeeen?’
Meh, he’s okay.
‘WHAT? How can you SAY that? Look at him! Giggling and holding my pinky finger!’
But all babies do that.
‘Your heart is made of stone.’
Whaaaaaaaat, I’m just saying that baby is cute just like all other babies are!
‘Aww look what you did! You made him cry!’
His diaper probably needs changing, fool.

Srsly. Babies are overrated, people.

Kay kay fine, they’re all cute in that disarming puppydog-innocence-incarnate sort of way.
But what’s the big deal everytime a baby pops out of someone?!

Why am I forced to go see these babies and compliment every one of them and be all, omg he totally looks like the type who’s going to grow up to be the next Che Guevera, based purely on the frequency of the infant’s kicking, when for all I know it’s probably just kicking in an attempt to hit one of the faces cooing incoherently into its frilly pram.

They’re a tad interesting in general though.
Babies I mean, not frilly prams.
Most often because sometimes some of them sit there and wear this look on their faces as though a hundred intelligent thoughts are travelling through their innocent little brains.
Maybe they are!
And then they babble at length with such fierce determination that you wonder if they’re speaking a sensible language that you just can’t decipher.

Most babies respond the same with me.
We stare at each other in an awkward ‘uh hi.. you’re weird’ kind of way.
Of course there’s the occasional tongue-out-in-mockery gesture or random giggle from either one of us to break the monotone.

Then I wave at it and leave.
Only to be reprimanded by old people and dragged back into the room and pressured into smooching its pudgy face.

Babies are like puppies or kittens except less interactive, and fussier with their diets and unreliable when it comes to expecting them to finish #1 and #2 missions neatly in the garden, and it’ll be atleast another 3 years till they can fetch you your slippers.

Now am I so horrible to have said all that out loud?
Don’t answer that. 😛

A Boogery Epiphany

Posted: April 4, 2009 in Uncategorized

I am now officially a phlegm machine.
The last few days in Abu Dhabi were super dusty and I think the dust’s been secretly accumulating in my lungs till I landed home.
And then WHAM!
Phlegm production.
Crazy stuff, man.

So I can’t really do much than idle around while I’m sick.
Can’t work. Or talk to people, without sounding like an alien from Planet Zyborx.
Which left me a lot of time to myself to think of nonsensical things to blog about.

Boogers! I was thinking… just how primitive it is that we ‘technologically advanced’ humans are still using something as inefficient as tissue paper to extract boogers from the nasal cavity.

A nasty flu on average involves sneezing abruptly at inappropriate times (which is sorta fun actually) and phlegm just totally cramping your sociable style with their unwarranted attempts at escaping through the holes in your face.
And you can’t even sleep cuz the cough keeps interfering with the dozing off part!
And then when you do fall asleep, you sound like a tractor reversing out of a ditch thanks to the nose blockage forcing you to breathe out of your mouth.

The Snot Sucker is the solution, my friends.

Just visualize… a snazzy battery operated vacuum-cleaner-like-thing set at a certain sucking frequency, where you attach two thin tubes to your nostrils, and a bigger one to your mouth, and you pull the trigger, and the machine sucks all the phlegm out!


3 minutes later, your insides are snot-free.

The inside of the Snot Sucker will be coated with some sort of polythene wrap which will collect extracted snot.
Wrap + snot is then removed from the machine, sealed and disposed of after a day’s usage.
Another trigger releases surgical spirit into the insides of the tubes and the machine to annihilate any remaining bacteria.

The machine comes with fifty polythene wrap replacements and a bottle of surgical spirit for about a month’s usage.
Special offer: Amoxycillin and Panadol antibiotics!
Only Rs. 2000, order now and get a complimentary Calvin and Hobbes booger-related comics issue!

I know. Pure genius.


Posted: April 2, 2009 in Uncategorized

Look who’s baaaaaaaack!

What have you bastards been upto during my little escapade?!
As it turns out, spiritual enlightenment has done nothing good to my potty mouth. 😦

It has been a hectic and adventurous two weeks!
And though it was definitely a case of home sweet home when I landed on SL ground this morning, the mideast has earned a very special spot in my heart, right next to Nutella jars and.. well, Nutella jars.

Journal entry 23/3

The middle east is a beautiful place, its hot afternoons, cold nights, and grandiose mosques as bold and as intimidating as its people.

Lebanese, Iraqis, Americans, Indians, Africans, Pakis, Chinese, Filipinos – a diverse array of people among the Arabs walk around me, all speaking in dialects unheard of and in accents of various strange tones and pitches-
a vibrant cacophony of sound and colour.

Everything seems spotless, smooth.
Speed limit 120.

Levi jeans and turbans and burqas, blacks and whites and hot pink socks, veils and sunglasses.
Red checkered cotton and black-gold silk.
Vertically challenged palm trees and plazas racing to the sky.

Many a surprise lay in wait in the mideast for the foreign visitor – whether it be in the startling green eyed stare of an Iranian man or in the carefree dance of a Somalian beggar girl on the streets.
Pigeons everywhere.

Women selling bird seed.

The clicking of tongues and clearing of throats as Urdu and Arabic rule the hubub.

You may not understand what they are saying but after a while the lilt and sway of the unfamiliar syllables become music to the ears.

Raucous laughter follows an angry yell.
A yemeni boy claps his hands in tune to a popular arabic song.

The muazzin’s call for prayer sends flocks of pigeons leaping into the sky on cue.

Street vendors haggle loudly with prices as blonde haired babes watch on curiously from the hips of their mothers.

And once you leave the place, everything is calm and silent again.
But you miss the music like a homesick child.

The Ka’bah, Mecca

At dawn

Inside Harem Sharif, Mecca
Chandelier on the ceiling

Om nom nom! Feeding camels in Abu Dhabi

Perfume vendors on the streets of Medina

Desert land, Mecca to Medina

Donuts… or turbans?! :O

Art, Mall of Emirates

The Sheikh Zeyed Mosque, Abu Dhabi
the 3rd largest in the world

A dome from the inside

Indoor skiing at Ski Dubai

Abu Dhabi bread, butter and eggs
Freakishly superdelicious. I kid you not.

The world on wheels, car exhibition in Abu Dhabi

Converse sneakers from Dubai! Yay!

Average speed of vehicles on Saudi/UAE highways

Great to be back home, kids!

But I am thoroughly jetlagged, and can promise you that phonecalls or visits within the next one week will have me only slurring incoherently and quite possibly passing out mid-conversation.
You have been warned.

Or is that just me saying do not disturb whilst I selfishly unwrap the boxes full of dutyfree chocolates? 😉