Archive for December, 2009

The Dehiwela Zoo is a cesspool of disease and depression and deprivation and just… well, shit.

Srsly. If the zoo died and had to be reincarnated, it would be a giant uber shit spewing factory where concentrated shit was specially manufactured, because it’s so full of it as it is.

Literally, but more importantly, not so literally.

The chimpanzees were emo. I kid you not.

They sat dejected in large pits, often all alone, their delicate chimpanzee hair falling over their eyes in signature emo-style. And the most FuckMyLife-look I have ever seen (on human or otherwise) on their highly intelligent faces.

The lions were anorexic.

Last I remember (prolly five years ago) the lions at the zoo always reminded me of kickass scenes from Lion King. Proud, kingly.

And here they were now, skinny and lame.
The leopards just lazied around all depressed-like. Most lay in dark corners at the far edges of their pits, slitting their pawwrists when they thought we weren’t looking.

Yes that’s an actual word. Maybe.

The elephants stood around awkwardly, one leg chained down.

The babies had fright in their eyes as the crowd grew thicker and louder. One baby elephant with big watery eyes tried to move towards its mother but its leg-chain held it back.

If that isn’t enough to make you want to fucking hug it and make everything alright for it in the world then you, good sir, are made of stone!

Lots of pits were empty or just had a loner in it- the rest clearly dead or sent away à la putrid conditions.

The birds just stood around doing nothing like the boring douchebags they are. Can’t blame the zoo for that one rly.
Though the sight of majestic white eagles stuck in small room-size cages was tragic.

The giraffes made me lol as usual with their ridiculousness.
But really. Walking through the zoo, you can just feel the mood of the animals, as they collectively mope and mourn their fate.
Forced to sit inside a crappy little pit or cage, not really fed too well, sometimes chained or left alone, with nothing to do. And for the cherry on the icing, crowds of ugly fags come gape at you every day.

No wonder that bear stood up and got the crowd excited but then was just all ‘fuk u guys!11’ and turned around and went to sleep.

So fuck you, Dehiwela Zoo. I don’t know why the general sane masses let alone animal rights authorities haven’t given you more than a slap on the wrist for being such a neglectful asshole to animals whose lives are purely in your hands, but if I could I would just open those cages and let the face-eating lemurs and rabid rapist monkeys loose on the government shiteaters who run the place.

oh and we bumped into a popular blogger on the way. 😉

This time of year in Lanka means

Posted: December 23, 2009 in Uncategorized

Everything on TV is a sappy drama about people falling in love and living happily ever after while exchanging cheesy lines that make carebears do the facepalm.

All the radio stations are playing some annoying remix of a hackneyed old christmas carol.

Little children wish we had chimneys over here so an old man in a red suit could visit their living rooms at 1 in the morn. Creepy pedos FTW!
The guy next to you in the bus with the headphones on won’t stop singing along to ‘Let them know it’s Christmas time.’ On repeat.

Old ladies get into cleaning frenzies in the name of the coming ‘new year.’ The house is clean enough OK? Yes, I left that cobweb intact over there intentionally. Die.

People switch to super-sentimental mode without warning. It gets awkward.
Me: Hey man, did you watch Zombieland? Friggin off the hook yo.
Friend: Yeah.. you’re so cool. I love you man. *reaches out for hug*
Me: Uh yeah.. I think I hear my mum calling-
Friend: Your mum’s not even in town. And we’re at the mall.
Me: Yeaahh.. bye.

The hobo down the lane waves frantically and yells marry kreezmaahs miss! at you. Every time you step outside. Every day of December.

Love, sharing, caring, hugging, family, togetherness. i.e. an episode of the Teletubbies.
Except with coloured bulbs and a skinny dude in pregnancy padding and a creepy plastic mask.

Have a good one, kids!
It is a FUN time, I cannot lie. A time of fire crackers. Of discounts. And of permission to regale impressionable children with stories about the fat bearded man who ‘likes kids’ and creeps into their houses at night.
No, not Papareboy’s mum, the other guy.


Posted: December 22, 2009 in Uncategorized
MAN, has it been a long time since I blogged or has it been a long time since I-
yeah. I just got my vacation, thankyouverymuch.
Meaning, I finally have time to sit down and write about something not related to college work.
So the last few days have involved me spitefully refusing to follow the body-clock-norms that college life so treacherously demanded.
i.e. I slept all day.
ALSO, movie marathon.
1. Marie Antoinette – Yes, a little late for a review. Nevertheless, another wtf-that-movie-wasted-2-hours-of-my-life.
2. Funny People – I heart Adam Sandler. But nothing too memorable.
3. Paranormal Activity – FUN to watch after midnight with a bunch of jumpy kids. Plenty of scary OMFGs (and LOLIES @ girl’s theatrics.)
4. (500) Days of Summer – Fun romcom. Plot: Zooey Deschanel is Katy Perry’s twin separated at birth. What? That’s not it? Fine, screw you.
5. Zombieland – AWEsomely epic. The undisputed winner of 2009.
In other news, a rat or a ‘mole’ according to dad has been rudely making abrupt apparitions in the bathroom.
Urgghhh. There is something about its squiggly unhygienicness and ratty pointy nose that drives me nauseous.
I don’t want to leave rat poison around because a fat rat gasping for air on the bathroom floor could very easily make me want to poke my eyeballs out with a toothbrush.
So for now, I just randomly yell BAKAKAKA! at it. Scares the bajeezus outta the poor bastard.
And now I will end this sporadic random post marking my return to the blogosphere with a picture that portrays the meaninglessness of life and all that philosophical stuff.

It just fucking blows your mind. I know.