Archive for January, 2010
Ooh scandalous title. Bet you’re expecting some awesomely cynical yet somewhat comprehensive and well read report on the current political situation and thuggery that has reigned for ye-
So instead of doing work that was due to the scarylectureman in 8 hours, in sheer procrastinator style I sat around with friends instead to discuss how I could kill him without getting caught.
Mind you, with much lost sleep, general exhaustion and copious amounts of caffiene in the blood, I cannot say that I was totally kidding about the idea at the time.
Sash suggests I hit him on the head with a pole.
Yes, no one would ever suspect foul play if I did that, especially since the only chance I’d get is in a classroom full of witnesses! facepalm.
Pavi also suggests I hit him on the head with a pole.
wtf, people? Think like a sensible serial killer pls thx.
Boogy says trip him down the stairs. He’s almost 60 years old, it might work.
Yes.. but I could get caught, since he is always followed by an annoying gayassistantman.
Sash jumps back in after recovering from the sting of my facepalm and produces the idea of switching his flask with a flask of poison, whilst getting someone to distract gayassistantman. Brilliant.
But risky; a flask carried mostly around college will narrow down the suspects to college inhabitants.
I could burn his house while he sleeps! I suggest. Bub says, you’d have to douse his house in petrol, do you have a giant hose?
That’s what she said. But really, dousing a two storey house in petrol is difficult, unless I get a helicopter first.
Helicopters are too noisy in the night.
But I could climb into the house as his shower cubicle is allegedly open to the sky, douse the inside of his house with petrol/alcohol.
Alas, either way: 1. it would require a skinny little foo’ like me to transport craploads of petrol/alcohol over that wall. 2. getting caught sneaking into the angry scarylectureman’s house by the angry scarylectureman is rly scary.
Finally Boogy suggests I use the classic Molotov cocktail method- alcohol bottles + newspaper + fire + throw at window = boomshakalaka.
Indeed, I could transport the bottles over some time to a safe spot near his house, and then once I have about 20, I could light em up one starry night.
Bub intervenes. Scarylectureman lives with an innocent manservant. Are you willing to keell the innocent manservant in this merciless fire for no crime?
Damn my conscience to hell.
So it all narrows down to 1. finish his asinine assignment and get yelled at, or 2. hit him on head with pole. Assignment or man slaughter, hmm.
Ah life’s decisions, so complex.
I shall deliberate as I stand in a queue to the ballot box today. Maybe some crazyman a la election riot will accidentally keell scarylectureman for me?
no that wasn’t me implying I am a crazyman a la election riot. curfewholiday ftw btw.
You voting? Will Sarath really bring ‘believable change’? SL politics has been met with pessimism and cynicsm ever since I can remember so I really can’t say.
But I’m voting for the fellow. Anything that’ll help flick Gayhinda out like the dirtay booger he is.
What’s up with the moustaches though, guys? Srsly.
Don’t you think?
Not the tights and lights variety, but the horrific bitching and snitching one.
Here I was, under the foolish impression believed by many, that nasty melodramatics were only produced by the females.
But oh god, have things changed.
Guys have joined in on the theatrics too. Really.
Drama is the new In Thang it seems. Either that or it is just stalking me like a freaking Jarabaras lately. Me, with zero tolerance for dramatics.
Murphy’s Law I tell ya. Damn that bastard Murphy.
In the blue corner! Weighing a mere 90 pounds, is the lightweight champion in the arena of drama, Girl! Most famous for her 1945 fierce right hook delivery aka simultaneous swapping of stories about other people and other people’s boyfriend and sister to more other people.
In the red corner! At 160 pounds! Boy pumps his red gloves in the air, reminiscent of his amazing nimbleness and tenacity aka ability to create insane issues out of thin air whilst going berserk!
Both masters of drama head to h- wait what, apparently there’s another player in the ring, in the third corner! She’s- what?
Girl’s best friend! Lunging towards Girl, she lands a heavy left hook involving a nasty rumour about Girl and STDs, ouch! What a-
Oh but there’s more! An older player in the fourth corner of the ring, tugging at Boy’s ears, ah a classic move indeed! Why can’t you be more like your brother, she says, jabbing the air in front of his face with angry parental guilt punches! Wooaahh-
Look at this, folks! Look at this! More players seem to be crawling through the lines into the ring! There’s Girl’s boyfriend landing a heavy punch of revenge into the stomach of Boy, as Boy’s bestman lands a tremendous bodyslam – WHAM! – a resounding thud of spite into the back of Boy’s brother! The same one in fact who happens to be getting the old hair-pull technique from old-school fighter, Girl’s sister! A random small guy gives apt vengeance to Girl for a previous ruthless insult whammy with a kick in the shin, rendering Girl distracted from her attempt at bitchslapping someone in green shorts! Green Shorts bursts out in hysterical tears and falls to her knees ranting about calories and death!
Aahh what drama, folks! Nothing like it!
A bunch of people ripping into other people over things like stories-heard and careless words- how much better can reality TV get right?!
What? This isn’t reality TV? It’s just.. people acting boorish because it’s the only way they see fit to express their stunted personalities? Goddammit.
It is a phrase that old people including the parental unit have used against a helpless me time and time again.
First of all, that is such a faggoty-sounding phrase all by itself.
cranky grownups and their stupid catchphrases.. grumblegrumble.
Impulsiveness, irresponsibility, fickleness, stubbornness, impatience, these are all allegedly very counter productive characteristics that we all must learn to ‘grow out of.’
I like stubbornly doing things I want to do or impulsively deciding to leave the company of auntie visitors to go watch Spiderman And Friends (as utterly enthralling as auntie-conversation surely is).
But they want me to grow uuuppp.
How can I send you abroad if I can’t trust you to be responsible and mature and NOT suddenly decide to buy a motorbike and skip college and join a bunch of crazy hippies or something!
Come talk about hair conditioner and cute boys with your estranged teenage female cousins seated in the hallway! What do you mean you wanna play Tekken on the PS with the boys instead? i kill u!11
It isn’t polite to not share your bag of marshmallows with other people in the room!
No the fact that you ‘accidentally’ dropped your brother’s toothbrush in the toilet bowl is NOT hilarious!
Stop tackling that nine year old for the remote control!
Sleep early, eat your veggies, fix your body clock, stop picking stray kittens off the road and smuggling them into the garage!
Grow up, Maks.
NOO NEVARR. *fingers in ears* LALALALA.
Do I HAVE to? Reaaaally? Is it essential for survival?
Hours of ridiculous wading around in a pool with my favourite posse of cousins over the last few days of 2009, have rendered my ears dysfunctional!
The chlorine’s relocated my earwax or some shizz like that.
Person: Hey man.
Person: I said, HEY MAN.
Person: I SAID-
Me: *walks off obliviously*
Yeah. That’s pretty much every conversation since the 31st.
I honestly don’t have anything to say about the last year or the coming one.
2009 was generally uneventful, except for that one time I got to see grown men cry (aka Unsilent) at the theatre whilst watching This Is It. Pure entertainment I tell ya.
My new years resolutions are to be a better person, to swear less, to cherish the friendships I have, to hug homeless people, and to frolic in unabashed optimism as I make do with what I have.
Ok maybe not.
I am certainly not turning two whole decades old this year and my only true ‘resolution’ is to hotly deny a certain certificate’s outrageous accusation that I will! Really, the nerve of supposed ‘official documents’ these days..
I’m being dragged to the doc’s in a bit to be cured of my partial deafness; the parents don’t like it very much when I stare off into space when they’re talking (as if this behaviour is anything new).
So my 2010’s being kicked off with nostalgia towards another epic December vacation, disgust towards a lingering 20th birthday, and the charming prospect of a doctor putting a surgical instrument in my ears.
Lovely! How’s yours going so far? Just as exciting I bet?