The Wolfman: Summed Up

Posted: February 21, 2010 in Uncategorized

Spoiler Alert! (seriously though, you can’t spoil something already this bad.)

Man: Here Wolfman, come and get iiittt. I am a tasty piece of suicidal meat wandering the woods with a conspicuous lamp and no weapon whatsoever! Eat my brainz pls!

Wolfman: Ok. *eats Man*

Man’s Hot Wife tells Man’s estranged bro Lawrence to come find Man who went missing. Man’s Hot Wife lives with Man’s dad Anthony Hopkins in spooky house that is in no way a rip off of every other horror movie with a spooky house. Really.  

Lawrence comes home and meets dad Anthony Hopkins.

Anthony: Hi son nice to see you. Btw, your bro’s savaged body was found by the river today so you can go home now, thxbye.

Lawrence: No! I will stay! And I will find the monster who did this to Man, because despite my absence from Man’s life for the past 20 years or so, I suddenly feel like taking a hiatus from my theatre career to live in this creepy mansion where Mum mysteriously died and avenging Man’s death for no apparent reason. Maybe it is a midlife crisis thing or maybe it’s cuz Man’s Hot Wife is srsly hot.

Anthony: Awesome! Btw, this is my totally out of context Panjabi man servant.

Panjab: Eh balley balleeeyy!

Lawrence: Cool.

Wolfman bites Lawrence one night, which for some reason makes him turn into TeenWolf on fullmoon days. Gypsies are involved in some obscure way, specially this old lady with lots of eye liner and fake teeth who’s totally useless to the plot despite the camera’s intense close-ups trying to prove otherwise.

One night Lawrence follows Anthony into lonely shed. Anthony turns around and his eyes turn into laser lights in the night as he says stuff in a spooky voice. Anthony is therefore clearly either going to turn into a Transformer or Wolfman. We soon discover it is the latter.   

Lawrence turns into TeenWolf. Wolfman and TeenWolf kill lots of people, blah blah.

Lawrence: Anthony, youuuu killlled myyy motherrr?

Anthony: Yeah. Wow you sound really retarded when you say it like that. Btw, I became a Wolfman after Gollum from Lord of the Rings bit me. Yeah I don’t get it either. Bye.

Man’s Hot Wife: I want you, Lawrence/TeenWolf!

Lawrence/TeenWolf: Ok! It’s totally fucked up that Anthony who is a Wolfman killed your husband who is also my brother, and that on fullmoons I too go around killing husbands and brothers, but who gives a shit right now! Let’s make out! 

Suddenly Agent Smith from The Matrix knocks on the door.

Agent Smith: Mister Annnndersonn- wha? This isn’t the fucking Matrix, what the fuck?

Lawrence: Uh..

Agent Smith: Urgh Neo is such a bitch! I guess I’ll just have to arrest you instead, Lawrence. 

Lawrence bites Agent Smith and runs. Hobos run around with guns in the woods, looking for Wolfmen. Hobos die. Gypsies die. Neatly placed intestines and limbs lie everywhere, and we wonder, dude why do the Wolfmen keep ripping people apart and running away as opposed to actually eating them? Crazy mofos.

Lawrence/TeenWolf and Anthony fight on a fullmoon, ripping shit up and burning the spooky house down. Lawrence rips Anthony’s head off. Win.

Lawrence/TeenWolf chases Man’s Hot Wife into the woods to eat her in a fit of wolfy rage.

Man’s Hot Wife: Lawrence, it’s me, Man’s Hot Wife. Remember meeee, look into my loving eyesss.

Lawrence/TeenWolf: Ohai. (momentarily distracted)

Man’s Hot Wife: Die, mothafuckah! (shoots Lawrence/TeenWolf in the FACE.)

Agent Smith appears.

Agent Smith: He’s dead? Awesome. He bit me so I guess I’m gonna starr in the equally crappy sequel. Fuck you, Neo, I get my own show!

  1. Panic Bells says:

    I wanted to watch it, but all I’ve been hearing and reading is bad reviews… Should check out My Name IS Khan

  2. Paparé Boy says:

    And this is not a rip off of The Editing Room, how? 😛

    • makuluwo says:

      Hey it’s not my fault my sense of humour is slightly reminiscent of the Editing Room. All’s fair since they haven’t reviewed it yet though. 😛

  3. Angel says:

    Lol… I think I had ore fun reading this than watching any recent movie! Way to go, Maks!

  4. ZackOzzy says:

    I agree, Wolfman was prey shitty, the Samsonite commercial makes me wanna check out My name is Khan though…

  5. Chavie says:

    hahaha, I seem to have missed out on a lot of phun! 😀

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