Archive for March, 2010

Marriage for Sale

Posted: March 29, 2010 in Uncategorized

Marriage in the world of sri lankan conservatives has become like shopping for goods, just read the sunday marriage proposal columns. I read them for the lols, much funnier than the comic strips some days.

I can just imagine a conversation between the couple and guests at some future dinner party…

Suresh: Ah so how did you and Sara meet, Gehan?
Gehan: Oh it was romantic no, Sara? It was a sunday evening..
Sara: Mother was opening up the newspapers! Reading each paragraph in the proposal column…
Gehan: Until her eyes stopped at my ad! Her heart skipped a beat on Sara’s behalf as she read the words tall, handsome, teetotaller.
Sara: Oh the font was Times New Roman! *swoon*

These guys should step it up a notch in the future. I mean if they’re going to be mundane about it, might as well think big yeah?  

Can I help you, ma’am?
Oh, I’m looking for something that’s preferably between 5’7′ and 6′ tall, around 30 years old, nice looking and says its prayers.
I see, what hue?
Fair is good, little bit of tan is also ok.
Lovely. Is it a product for yourself?
No no, for my daughter.
Ah please fill in this advertisment form with your daughter’s characteristics as well, we need to run it by in our database to find a suitable product match. 1000 rupees per commercial.  
Of course.. well she’s pretty.. can’t cook I’m afraid-
No no, ma’am, that’s not how it works, we try not to put negative aspects in our commercials, doesn’t sell well no then?
Ahh yes, but then won’t consumers want to know-
No no, we are merely stating their strong points and.. not mentioning their flaws, it’s not like we’re lying. It’s how advertising works. 
Ok ok.. fair, slim, 5’5′, very pleasant.
I’m sure we will be able to find a suitable counterpart. How will you be paying for it?
20 perches of land and an automobile.
Very attractive! This won’t take long.
How long will the transaction take then?
A few weeks approximately, ma’am.
Make sure it doesn’t smoke or drink and was made in February too ah.
Duly noted. Our products don’t have guarantees though. But if you aren’t satisfied, you may stop by for another one.
Good good.. I have a son also, too young, might need one for him too in the future. Haven’t thought of advertising his particulars so far.
Yes, here’s a brochure with our wonderful array of female options advertised by other parents.
Ah what is this index for?
The lists are separated by colour and race and price, ma’am.
How convenient!
You can take a look at it over there in the seats next to that Fair and Lovely billboard.
Hey why’s there a Fair and Lovely billboard in the waiting room?
We’ve got a contract with them now, ma’am, the customers here at Husbands & Wives R US are crazy about the stuff.

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Personally, I think someone needs to tell them the whole bombs and death threats thing is just a farce and that the real reason the monks hate Akon is cuz his music is awesomely gay.

Moreover, what were monks doing watching Akon videos? Chikkey.

The guest lecturer was talking about burgers.
Wait, no, he was talking about electricity. Yes. My brain was talking about burgers. Ever so quietly.

I was hungry. I was bored.
Click click clickety click, went my clicky pen, before people started turning around and squinting at me, using their jedi mind tricks to stop the clicking.

I tried focusing on the subject. Really I did.
“Electricty travels through transformer number one before going to the second one through this cable that is made of burgers and french fries and other delicious savory items that can be purchased at KFC, just call 011-“

My brain was hell bent on tricking me into thinking the electricityman was making subtle implications with his lecture and that transformers transfer electricity was, indeed, a cryptic metaphor about Optimus Prime and chicken nuggets, not necessarily in that order.

Ambidexterity is the ability to write with both hands! Since that fateful day whence I failed to listen to electricityman (i.e. yesterday), I have been practicing the art of writing with my left hand (I’m a right hander). The following is my first sample written in his class whilst he talked about chicken nuggets, not too shabby I’d say.

It also made me realize that perhaps I have a future as an author of books for kids! Hey, if Madonna can jump around in spandex suits at 60 while simultaneously writing children’s stories, why can’t I. Write children’s stories I mean, not the jumping around in spandex thing.

I sometimes wonder

Posted: March 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

I sometimes wonder

What it might be like

To take a scalpel

And dig deep

Through the layers of rib and muscle and blood

Use a little hammer

To crack down the peripheral walls upon walls

A key to free the dozens of locks

And pull that live red thing

Out of its cosy warm niche

And hold it in my palm

I’d tip it over a little

I’d watch its frightened pulse

When reckless air particles

Cause little cracks in its flesh

And then maybe I’d hand it over to you.

But every time I wonder

The story ends in my head

With me taking it back before your fingers touch it

I can’t just give it away, poopy

it’s maiyn.

“Yeah I’m metrosexual.”

“WHAT, you actually admit that you’re.. metrosexual?”

“Yeah so what?

“Do you wear eyeliner too, sissy boy?”

“Yeah I wear eyeliner. Whatevah!”  

“WHAT? LOLFAG.”

“Whatevah! It’s my hot body, I’ll do what I wan’!”

-thus is the narration of a recent conversation among male peers, approximately, inadvertently cascading into an episode of Southpark.

Apologies to my homie Will for the title. Twas too catchy to resist, bro. Metrosexuality. Can a Sri Lankan man pull it off? Some guys just wear eyeliner and studs and shiny shirts for attention-whorage purposes. One doing so as a true fashion statement has been found to be very, very rare.

A metrosexual man is someone with an unabashed appreciation for aesthetics and his appearance, a trait that is usually thought to be possessed by females, and so the term is quite naturally confused with – especially in Sri Lankan society –gurlyman FAG!!11 lololol.

No, really.

You’ll find full-out metrosexual men shaving more than their face, knowing the what’s-to-know of contemporary fashion inclusive of owning a collection of designer shoes and maybe carrier bags, going to a salon as opposed to a barber, lacking the urge to ridicule and destroy shirts that are hot pink, and above all, admitting to all of it to members of his male clan. He still probably guzzles beer and  thinks about Megan Fox like any average guy. This was a man of the 17th century (ironically, the era when ‘gay’ = happy). Yes they wore tights, fine it looked hilarious, ok their artsyness made some of them pretentious, but they were definitely more aesthetically cultured than 21st century’s Mr Average Guy.

With the combo of basic heterosexuality and their socio-behavioral similarity to women, one could even theoretically conclude metrosexual men make more understanding partners.   

Mr Average Guy however (a character labelled and formulated by society as a constant) is thought to feel fashion and hair conditioner are girl-things, as is Miss Average Girl thought to feel trousers and soccer are guy-things. So with the exception of the uncannily-like-a-wraparound-skirt sarama, ‘I am man, man no like girly stuff like smelling nice and admirin orchidz! GRAWRUH!’ is still the general sentiment.

gay? or just… pretty?

Is the grey area between the two words: metrosexualman? dun dun DUUUNNN!