The Aunties & the silent conspiracy of doom.

Posted: April 6, 2010 in Uncategorized

aunt maria by alicedpalma

I dunno if it’s a muslim family thing or a general sri lankan family thing, but while holidaying with the cousins in the name of April, I realized that The Aunties of the family are plotting to cook the children and eat us.

I came to this logical conclusion after much skillful observation, i.e. sitting inside a living room containing Aunties and children and making shifty eye movement. So the Aunties serve us delicious food items, and they’re all, eat up, my pretties, before going to the kitchen and cackling evilly in secret.

Being unsuspecting and unaware of the diabolical forces beyond our world of happy vacationeyness, we eat the gulab jam and other suspiciously amazingly made food items courtesy of Aunties’ mad skillz.

After a few munches, Aunty walks up and says, do you want some more?
Yeah I guess-
And she fills the plate up all over again with supercholesterolawesomeness.
That’s too much.. but whatever, it’s gulab jam.
So we’re eating and getting full, but 5 minutes later, an Aunty from the kitchen yells, take some more! I’m not there to serve but please eat more!
So we do, till we’re full. Really full. The Aunty walks in.
Why is your plate empty? You’re so skinny! Eat eat!
But I’m pretty full, Aunty, thank you-
NU. EAT MOAR.
Butbut-
Have you had enough?
Yes.
Are you sure you’re full?
Yes.
OK! *piles plate with MOAR gulab jam with SUGARY SUGARSTUFFS*

Omg. WHAY, Aunty, WHAY?
Cuz I need to fatten you up!

TO PUT ME IN A POT AND EAT ME?
Uh.. *shifty eyes* I dunno what you’re talkin bout. *rushes off to kitchen*

Yeah I’m onto you, Aunties. You can fool the little ones but I sleep with one eye open. And a shovel under my bed. It’s a plastic spade but shovel sounds more threatening. Yeah. Watch yoself.

Open your eyes, young ones! Do not give in to the Aunties and their seductive gulabjamey ways. Next time they shout EAT MOAR U SKINNY GURL, yell NO and flip the plate of sweets and run. Run like a madman.
If you’re like me and are afraid that your loved ones plan on eating you, reassure yourself at The Oatmeal.

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Comments
  1. Sabby says:

    Oatmeal has a quiz also, whether your loved ones are plotting to eat you (here http://theoatmeal.com/quiz/plotting_eat)…I got a scary 48%.

    I have reasons to be worried so I understand.

  2. Whacko says:

    lol

    that being said

    WHERE DO I FIND SOME AUNTIES LIKE THAT ON SHORT NOTICE?!

    i need some fattening up. realeh

  3. Chavie says:

    Errrmm, can I borrow your aunties for like a month? 😉

  4. zOMG skareh. O_o
    I wish someone would invent a Look which plainly says ‘I don’t need anymore fattening up, thx.’ but without the unpleasantness.
    I don’t want to be denied sweets FURREVAH. That would be tragic.

  5. Sigma says:

    Definitely fattening you up for the festive’s dear… Brings a whole new perspective to “having my niece over for dinner” don’t it?!

  6. Lol! Good post 😀
    I don’t have any aunties here, but I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone I know is conspiring to fatten me up! 😕

  7. Jack Point says:

    No wonder. So that’s why they do it!

    🙂 Nice

  8. Scrumps says:

    I know too many aunties like this! It’s why I always make a point to leave quickly! 🙂

  9. Me-shak says:

    I would love to Have aunties like yours. My ones start shouting if I look at the kitchen even! Damn,
    Aunt swap?? Let me know if you are interested, eh?

    Cheers!

  10. LMAO.
    Maks, looks like auntie’s son likes a bit of meat – a love handle, perhaps?

    oh poor you. ;(

  11. afoxhound says:

    Gulab Jamun! I want some NOW!

    And isn’t this the plot of a Rugrats episode?

  12. Angel says:

    Sigh…. I want gulab jamuns serving aunties!

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