Know that bump in the night?

Posted: June 15, 2010 in Uncategorized

I hate them! Stupid bumps.

I’m just finally drifting off peacefully at the end of this long pointless conversation the voices in my head were having about whether or not I should finish my secret stash of nutella this week – when BUMP! something like a limb hitting wood.

Now usually people dismiss such bumps as a stupid cat on the roof or a wind playing with a window pane, but not me, not stupid paranoid me. Animals that walk around on roofs are pretty stealthy, they don’t just bump into things.. the windows are closed and that sounded nothing like a window.. omg what’s that scratching noise. It’s a burglar.. a rapist burglar.. no, an evil spirit trapped on earth and seeking to exact its personal malice on beautiful young females.. omg it’s a clown! or a pedophile! THERE’SAPEDOCLOWNONMYROOF.

I switch the lights on by now and I sit up in bed a bit, listening. Nothing. Well, obviously, now that I put the stupid lights on you just go all silent like the well timed evil spirit/pedo you are. So I ask Caesar what he thinks, but he just gives me this self righteous wiggle and says he has to pee.

self righteous wiggle.

I open the door for him and I go to the bathroom. A minute later I hear another muffled BUMP, this time like a door hitting its frame. Nail filer in hand (hey it’s pretty sharp, could poke an eye out if I aimed right) I jump out into my room ready to face my attacker. But really just ready to roll the chair with wheels at him and run while he’s distracted.

Nothing.

For some reason, I found myself opening the cupboards and checking. For a pedoclown sitting in my clothes after running in through the door and jumping in there slamming close the cupboard door behind him on its frame?
Now that would be ridiculous!

I’m not a chicken, you know. I like the idea of ghosts. I’d kill to get the chance to go to an actually haunted place just for the lulz. But understandably the little line between reality and my imagination tends to fade some days because the latter is like, this fat person whose fat keeps flopping on the line and chipping away at the paint.

Also my house is more than 50 years old, gimme a break! It’s bound to have all these pedoclown spirits running around. I could have sworn I saw the silhouette of a little kid in my room once, and the sibling attests to it too. Both the parents have felt people sitting on their pillows whilst they slept. And we all hear bumps in the night.

So. Maybe mine aren’t your average bumps in the night. Though there is the slight chance my entire family is genetically dysfunctional and all of just suffer from general paranoia. But the 55 year old haunted house thing is way more plausible, surely.

What if that bump in the night all of us have heard at some point is actually never a cat or the wind? What if every single time it’s the pedoclownspirit on your roof and you just say it’s something else so you can sleep at night? What if foreign spirits do exist and one sits in your room and watches you every day like a total psycho.

I am thinking all this when I realize Caesar’s been out in the garden for a whole half hour. I’m goin’ in! I grab the torchlight and creep through the plants cursing that furball. Suddenly I see movement behind the petunias. Caesar? Or.. pedoclown? I feel purring at my feet and Caesar’s like, whadup homie? And I’m like, OMGTHERESAPEDOCLOWNBEHINDTHOSEPETUNIAS.

The flowers shake and I think someone’s really in the garden and we’re all gonna die. A white.. thing.. flies out in the dark a few feet and Caesar runs towards it. NO CAESAR NO, PEDOCLOWN WILL EAT YOUR BRAINS.

It turned out to be a cat. Caesar’s got a girlfriend. I tell him now is not the time to impregnate our neighbor’s cat and grab him and go inside. Sheesh, cats these days.

Before I switch on the lights a shrill frightening AAHH! hits me in the ears and I go AHH! and throw the cat and they go AAHHH! and I flail around and shout AAHH PEDO! and the lights come on, and it’s the maid.

Horse tranquilizers. She says it’s time someone used them on me. -_-

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Comments
  1. Chavie says:

    Awwww at that pic of Caesar! 😀

    Cats these days! 😉

  2. zappa says:

    OMGSOMEBODYNEEDSTOGETLAID

  3. residentprincess says:

    Great post! LOL! We do have one thing in common! My German Shepard’s name is Caeser! 🙂

  4. GGPurple says:

    aww Caesar’s got a girlfriend
    Caesar’s got a girlfriend.

  5. Jack Point says:

    “Horse tranquilizers. She says it’s time someone used them on me. ”

    Yes, you I think so too…;
    )

  6. chathuraw says:

    Hahahaha… Paranoid much? 😀

  7. Me-shak says:

    Great post, wonder how I’m going to handle the thuds in the night :O

    Cheers!

  8. Dee says:

    jejeje pedoclown

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