Well that passionate vow a few posts ago to put something up on the blog every other day didn’t last for very long did it? Sigh. I tried okay? I would blame it on being busy if I hadn’t spent so much time these days eating pudding and blowing bubbles. Fo realz.
I’m just lazy.
For others who are lazy, here are a few tips on how to dodge attacks like U R SO LAZY!!111, STOP BEING SO LAZY!1111, LAZY FOOL I KILL U, etc etc. by shifting the blame to other relevant or non relevant things.
1. “It’s how I was brought up!” – With most visibly lazy teenagers (I’m 20 but work with me here), the case is often that their lazyness was tolerated by the parental unit. Although, my cousin has a terrifyingly excellent disciplinarian for a mother and still finds the gall to pass out in bed all day instead of doing her homework, so the case may vary according to the lazy person in question depending on their level of utter sloth. But overall, this excuse will work charmingly on old people (parents, neighbors, nosy aunties), as it has so far in my case.
Mum: Why can’t you clean your room every once in a while!
Me: Well I don’t know, mother, maybe if you had trained me to since I was a toddler I might have picked up on the habit.
Of course it is safer to run away soon after saying things like that, just in case you get something hurled in your direction. Just in case.
2. “It’s genetic.” – This excuse takes some level of Helen-Mirren-esque class acting and I would not recommend it to the amateurs, since it is, basically, totally unfounded. But do you find your boss yelling at you for sitting around making clicky noises with the stapler instead of working on your report? Then fear no more, a simple ‘my grandfather suffered from gibbilisitis which is an often undetected medical condition that affects the muscular system and symptomatically causes lethargy, I was just diagnosed a month ago – but I’m trying, boss, I AM TRYING TO LOOK PAST MY DISABILITY AND FORGE AHEAD’ might do the trick, if spruced with some teary eyed stuttering and with someone playing a soundtrack from Forrest Gump on a boombox a few feet away.
3. Respond with a totally irrelevant question. If you do it with a very serious and straight face, this might confuse them enough to go away.
Nosy fool: Why are you so lazy?
You: Why is your shirt so ugly?
Nosy fool: Huh? I like this shirt- but nevermind, why can’t you work more around here?
You: I know you are but what am I?
Nosy fool: What?
You: Seriously though, why is your shirt staring at me like that?
4. “It’s just who I am, deal with it, bro.” – My mother doesn’t like it when I call her bro. But besides that, this is a mythical albeit efficient excuse, if you say it with enough swaggah. Yes, swaggah. It’s like swagger except with some ghetto in it. Just pretend like lazyness is a character trait and it’s part of your bohemian laid back lifestyle, and that everyone is too blind to see the true light and nobody understands you. Try and stare off into the distance as you say this for added effect.
5. The weather.
“It’s this damn sun, it gets me all sweaty and tired and sucks out all my energy…”
“It’s the damn rain, makes me wanna cuddle up in a blanket and go to sleep…”
“It’s this damn weather that’s neither hot nor cold and thus reflects my sense of indifference to the universe making me sit around doing nothing in particular…”
6. “I’m just depressed because-” – Since lazyness involves sitting around doing nothing productive, often lying down or eating stuff, you can often pass it off for depression if you just make an emo face when confronted.
7. Run. Just turn around and jog, waving, with a thumbs-up, almost implying like their reprimanding had inspired you to be less lazy and spontaneously work out (when in fact you are jogging to your room to sit around and watch hours of Dexter before snickering to yourself evilly in lieu of the fools who bought your story). If they don’t buy it, it will at least really confuse them.
8. Their mama.
“Why are you so lazy today?! GRAWRUH!”
“Tired. Yo mama kept me up all of last night.”
OH. SNAP. BURN, MOFO.
Yeah this won’t work with your parents, sorry.
You’re welcome. Happy lazying around, folks!