Of Hemispherical Buttocks And Arched Vulvas

Posted: April 7, 2011 in Uncategorized

I read this hilarious book the other day. No, not Calvin and Hobbes, not P.G. Wodehouse, but ‘Why Men Lie And Women Cry‘ by Barbara and Alan Pease. You might have heard of it. The two are apparently ‘internationally renowned experts in human relations and body language’ and ’13 million book sales have turned them into household names.’

Well.

To be fair I haven’t read the book page to page. Cuz I had to take breaks to lol my brains out and by the time I came back to the book I’d forgotten which page I was on. And just to clarify, I was laughing at the book not with.

Let me just show you some ‘extracts’ with my comments in bold.

TAKE THE TEST
When a man first notices you, what will be his first impressions? Most women would like to know how attractive they are to men, so we’ve created this test to show you just how well you rate! (WELL HOW KIND.)

Q4. If you could buy any outfit regardless of price, which of the following would you choose?
a. A long, flowing outfit that hides all problem areas.
b. A short, tight-fitting, low-cut outfit that shows off my assets.
c. A trouser suit, tailored and elegant.

Sooo, basically my options are, insecure person who wants to hide ‘problem areas,’ slut, and nun. Um. Pass.

Q5. Measure your waist and hips and calculate your hip-to-waist ratio. Divide your waist size by your hip size. For example, if your hips are 40 inches and your waist is 30 inches, then your ratio is 75%……… (it goes on)

-___-

Q6. When you’re chatting to an attractive man who makes you go weak at the knees, what position do you take?
a. Try and get him to sit down so he doesn’t notice my body.
b. Stand close to him with my legs uncrossed.
c. Play with my hair, lick my lips, tilt my hips and caress my body to get his attention.

LOL. LOL. Really, Barbara and Alan Pease? Really? Those are the only options available to me? Heaven forbid I don’t constantly obsess about the way I look and just talk to the guy? Wow. Just.. wow. I don’t even know what to say.

Q7. If you asked a stranger to describe your bum what would they say?

Yeah okay I’ll just go ask a stranger to describe my bum and get back to you on that one.

Anyway that wasn’t the best part – the best part is you get POINTS for your answers.

100 points or more: The Sex Siren
When men see you, they’re hooked, ready to be reeled in… You know how to sell yourself and use your body language to control men
(what’s the bet this one picked ‘I tilt my hips and lick my lips and caress my body to get his attention.’ LOL that one still cracks me up!)… Take a sexuality bow.

66 to 99 points: Miss Elegance
The majority of women fall into this section. This means you have reasonable success at getting men to fall for you at first sight.

Up to 65 points: You’re One Of The Boys
This one’s my favourite. Read carefully!
You probably believe that personality is more important than appearance and you’re right to some extent. But the problem is, how do you attract the right man in the first place, in order to dazzle him with your wit and charm? (Surely, there is no righter way of doing this than tilting my hips and licking my lips!) You can improve the way you present yourself without having to compromise your beliefs. Joining a gym to improve your body shape, for instance, will increase your attractiveness to men, but will also make you feel much fitter and healthier and give you a greater zest for life! (ORLY?) You can also camouflage your physical imperfections by dressing to enhance your good points. You may say you’re not interested in a man who’s so shallow as to be hypnotized by physical appearance. The problem with that, however, is that even the most intellectual and sensitive of men are at the mercy of their biology. (LOL! Are any of the guys out there insulted by this? They just practically called you a drooling bunch of idiots who are all immediately swayed by tilting hips and licking of lips. Victims of your biology, how tragic indeed!) The next chapter will show you how to improve your attractiveness and explains why so many men zoom in on women with IQs lower than their shoe size, and don’t give you a second glance!

Oh man. :’)

It gets even better in the next chapter, where they actually go into why men like ‘hemispherical buttocks’ and an ‘arched vulva.’
I don’t even… my mind is just boggled.

They also have a less interesting section of the book where they’re almost equally sexist to men, questioning male readers with really sad queries about their bum, thighs and what colour pants they’d wear to a party. It was just really sad.

Let me just end this with a really disturbing ‘fact’ according to Barbara and Alan Pease:

A typical Hentai cartoon is packed with all the signals that appeal to the male brain, including childlike facial features, long neck, 70% hips to waist ratio, pubescent breasts and flat belly.

Flailer at this point, sitting next to me as I read this, goes like ‘Dude. Don’t hentai cartoons have octopuses doing inappropriate things with the characters?’

I could have lived my whole life without knowing this.

As I was sitting around reading this shite out loud with a couple of friends whilst dying of laughter – especially when they showed us two pictures with the tagline ‘few men can tell the difference’ and ‘one of this is cleavage and one is a buttcrack – figure out which is which!’ (what has been seen cannot be unseen!) – it did occur to us, what if Barbara and Alan Pease are right and we were just deluded? What if men ARE all immediately swayed by Jessica Rabbit types and have no genuine first-impression interest in wit and charm! “WE’RE LIVING A LIEEE,” yelled R-underscore before mumbling, “We’re all going to end up as the crazy cat lady,” and stuffing a piece of cake in her mouth. But the point is, I told her, we don’t give a shit. Even if men biologically look for arched vulvas and child bearing hips and women who play with their hair and speak in delicate tones, so what? We’re still going to wear what we want and swear if we want and have higher goals in life than ‘how to attract the man at the next table with my sitting position.’

I’d like to know though from the boys, is it all true? One can’t help but wonder when it comes from ‘internationally renowned experts of human behaviour.’ Don’t worry, I won’t judge you, after reading that hentai thing, I’m seriously considering turning asexual.

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Comments
  1. Gehan says:

    Haha where to begin..

    first of all, you can’t possibly put any stock in these so-called self-help books, which belong in the same class as those “7 tips to get rich” and “How to become a millionaire” etc books ..

    HOWEVER….

    sigh

    there is a microcosm of truth, in that yes, men are visual beings to a large extent.. we’re attracted to beautiful women but women are attracted to good looking men (my twitter feed over the last week has been filled with adulation towards Angelo Matthews’ butt, for some reason.. ) so really, how does this matter and who cares?

    books like those simply prey on women and men who are so self-conscious and insecure, they feel that success and happiness can only be attained by being attractive to the opposite sex.. i think whats most disturbing is that writers like those can rake in big bucks by producing such literature because, well, there is a large market for them to feed off of.

    let me just say though, i once saw a woman try the whole tilt-hips-lick-lips thing, and it was just hilarious.. definitely did not have the desired effect.. 😀

    • PseudoRandom says:

      BUT HIS BUTT IS PERFECT!!!

      *ahem* 😀

      I agree with Gehan – aren’t we all victims of biology? If finding a mate is what you’re into, then first impressions count…and personality will only be a a first impression if/when there’s no visual factor involved. That’s not to say that we’re all shallow. I mean I do go for looks, yes…but if the guy’s personality isn’t as appealing to me as his looks, I’m not interested.

      As for the ‘tips’ given in these books…I think they only work if they’re natural and subconsciously executed. And that probably won’t be the case if they were learnt from a book 😉

  2. Jack Point says:

    There are things that are true – for example the wait to hip ratio and that the breasts mimic the buttocks as a sexual signal.

    Desmond Morris writes quite brilliantly on the subject, there are some excerpts from one of his books at the link below, he is well worth reading.

    http://thewaterrat.com/category/bodywatching/

    The modern concept of beauty is tied to symmetry and proportion, which can be reduced to 1:1.618.

    See some info here:

    http://goldennumber.net/beauty.htm

  3. Gaz says:

    Your chances to finding the answers for your soul searching questions would increase if you have A) an arched vulva B)hemispherical buttocks C)both of the above. If not, I will be gracious enough to include a D) None of the above.
    If you chose D, your answer is “Death and Destruction.” The End.

  4. Seesaw says:

    Angelo Matthews has an awesome butt 😀

    I own this book too!

  5. Your Mom says:

    can someone please tell me wtf an arched vulva is im too scared to google it and I know a vulva is part of a vagina but seriously -_-

  6. ABCDme says:

    The title gripped my attention like – well I wouldn’t like to say what – it’s got something to do with buttocks and vulvas so I’ll say no more.

    My policy is that humans shouldn’t be given too much credit for selecting partners based on personality because however much we deny it, there’s always a looks factor.

    That said, you don’t have to pander to it and play sexy siren. Or maybe I’m just going to be a genetic dead-end because I don’t. Ohnoes! Hand me that vulva arching device. 😛

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