Once there was a peanut butter jelly sandwich monster

Posted: October 14, 2011 in Uncategorized

I wanna get back in the habit of writing creatively on a regular basis! Not that I don’t write enough as it is – since it’s a given now that I study literature and work for an Indian magazine – but I remember when I used to just sit, and write spontaneously, for no purpose. Like musings and poetry about clouds and unicorns and weirdass shit like that.

So just to get back in the flow of it, I’m going to try as much as I can to post a little story every day here. Completely off the top of my head.

Once there was a peanut butter jelly sandwich monster. Yes, he was a sandwich made of peanut butter and jelly, and was thus monstrous, in his jellyness and consequent odious nature, due to the fact that such sandwiches smell weird after the first two days of shelf life. He was very bored and lonely, because nobody liked to play with him because he was smelly and inadvertently oozed purple and yellow all over the place.

“It’s not my fault I’m so oozy!” he cried one day, sitting on the kitchen table by himself, talking to nobody in particular. “y u no love me?”

The sad peanut butter jelly sandwich monster sat there for days. Not that he had a choice in the matter, since who ever heard of a sandwich that could walk around? That would be ridiculous. Till one day, someone wandered by. “Hello, peanut butter jelly sandwich monster!” said this someone, from the darkness behind the spice cabinet.

“Why are you talking to me? Leave me alone, or I’ll squirt peanut jelly in your face!” muttered the sandwich, bitter and angry, as do more sandwich monsters get after being left to rot all alone. “Chill, man, I’ve got a proposition for you,” said the voice, and from behind the bottles of coreander and turmuric scuttled out a cockroach, wearing a tiny cockroach hat.

Peanut butter jelly sandwich monster wasn’t sure about this. It seemed dodgy. Why was the cockroach talking to him? And more importantly why was it wearing a hat? It seemed dodgy indeed. “What do you want?” cried the sandwich.

“Well, Pea.. Can I call you that? Pea?”

“Depends. Can I call you cock?”

“Touchè!”

The sandwich murmured profanities under its breath and went bank to sulking.

The cockroach straightened its hat and sat down on its back inside the soap holder, tiny cockroach arms tucked behind its head. The edge of the sink glistened next to them; it was sunny outside. Not that the peanut butter jelly sandwich monster knew what sunny felt like. He’d never known the outside of this wretched abandoned kitchen and its chasm of despair.

“I can get you out of here,” said the cockroach. “I can make it stop.”

“Are you going to kill me? Is that what you’re implying, asshole? Just get it over with. I knew this day would come. Eaten by a fucking cockroach with a tiny cockroach hat,” cried the sandwich.

The cockroach laughed. It was a silent laugh, because everyone knows cockroaches laugh silently.

“Okay, yes, you got me,” said the cockroach with a grin, its antennae twitching through the antennae-holes in its hat. “I mean, you’re weeks old and you’re oozing jellies.. can you blame me?”

The peanut butter jelly sandwich monster’s life flashed before its eyes. What he saw in his inner mind in that moment was.. well I can’t tell you what he saw, because how would I know what a peanut butter jelly sandwich monster saw in what he thought were his last moments? I’m not fucking psychic.

Suddenly, there was a crash. Pots and pans hit the tiled floor a few feet away from the odious pair, and as the cockroach was distracted, the peanut butter jelly sandwich thought, as he looked out at the sunny lawn outside, This is my chance! I’ll make a run for it! I mean.. all this happened for a reason! It was a test all along, since my beginning and through my torturous lonely existence in this hellhole. This is finally my time, to rise from the ashes and look beyond the horizon and-
“Shit, I don’t have legs,” the sandwich mumbled. “Nevermind, I am screwed.”

“What the hell was that?” said the cockroach, looking at the mess on the floor, where the pots and pans lay.

“Whoopsie! Sorry bout that,” said a fat furry creature sitting happily on its butt at the other end of the kitchen table. “Sometimes I don’t realize how fat I am from eating so much and I walk around and trip over things and they fall on the floor and make noise and interrupt climax scenes between characters in fantasy stories because I’m fat.”

Silence passed through the kitchen for a few moments. Some may even call it a silence that was awkward.

“Sometimes I talk too much,” concluded the fat rat. He grabbed his long tail and nibbled it nervously. Then he let out a loud giggle, and went silent again.

“Wow, and I thought I had issues,” remarked the peanut butter jelly sandwich monster to the cockroach.

“ANYhoo,” said the cockroach, turning to the sandwich, “Where were we? Oh yes..”

“Hey whatchu guys doin? Cuz from what I was listening when I was sitting here before I tripped over the pots and pans because I’m fat is that you were gonna eat the peanut butter jelly sandwich monster and I don’t think that’s very nice coz the sandwich is so sad and stuff and I don’t like seeing sandwiches be sad coz that’s not very nice,” interrupted the fat rat.

“What’s it to you, fattie?” spat the cockroach, taking its hat off.

“Hey don’t call me fattie, well yes I’m fat but that’s only coz my metabolism is really low and also maybe perhaps coz I eat a lot, I eat many things, sometimes, sometimes-” and here he giggled again- “I eat vegetables and sometimes I eat, I eat chicken and sometimes, sometimes I even eat cockroaches, yes.. yes indeedley doo,” the fat rat nibbled on its tail again, watching the sandwich and the cockroach from across the room, its chubby cheeks puffed up as the end of its mouth turned up in mad glee.

Before the cockroach could react, the fat rat had bounded across the wooden platform and gulped it down, its big belly now jiggling as it sat there next to the sandwich, nibbling its tail again. “Hey, hi there peanut butter jelly sandwich monster, hi, I didn’t like the way that cockroach was treating you coz yeah, coz that wasn’t very nice, he was a bad cockroach, and what’s with that hat, what kind of cockroach wears  a hat, I think that was dodgy, very dodgy, and yessum, tasty, tasty hat.. yes,” jabbered the rat.

“Wow thanks, fat rat.. nobody’s ever done anything that nice for me my whole life. I- I don’t know how to thank you. I’m just, so overwhelmed. I thought I was a goner for sure back there,” cried the sandwich.

“Hey, sandwich, hi, you’re oozing. See, there, there is jelly coming out of your insides, it’s coming out, and it’s all over the table. You’re an oozy sandwich, peanut butter jelly sandwich monster, oh look, I’ve got the peanut butter on my feets,” said the rat, staring at the sandwich.

“Yeah, sorry about-“

“Okay,” said the rat, before letting out a giggle. It giggled again.

The peanut butter jelly sandwich monster laughed too. The rat’s belly jiggled again as it giggled heartily. Neither of them could stop laughing. But they did eventually.

The peanut butter jelly sandwich monster smiled, thinking to himself. Here he’d been, dying slowly at the hands of abandon and fate’s cruelty, and then helplessly watching the end drawn nearer, when for no rhyme or reason, his life had been unexpectedly rescued. And now he was sitting here laughing, with a chance at a new life, next to his new friend. It’s funny how life-

“I’m hungry, yessum, I’m real hungry, coz I like to eat and that’s why my belly’s so big, and I like food coz I’m fat,” said the rat, and gulped down the peanut butter jelly sandwich monster. He then sniffed the soap holder, and sat inside it, and thought it very comfy, very comfy indeed, so he went to sleep.

The end.

Oh, by the way, guys, I’m really on the look out for English translations of Sinhala or Tamil novels, preferably pre-millenium. Do any of you have? I’m in Delhi so I can’t go hunting for them at second hand bookshops in Colombo right now. Miss Vandytoopten was nice enough to offer to post to me Siri Gunasinghe’s acclaimed Hevanalla! Please let me know if you’ve got anything of the sort – mail me on grandioseidea@gmail.com – and I shall repay you via chocolates and anything you like from India (but, no, I’m afraid asking me to bring you John Abraham alive in a bag may be asking too much).

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Comments
  1. SS says:

    “Here he’d been, dying slowly at the hands of abandon and fate’s cruelty, and then helplessly watching the end drawn nearer, when for no rhyme or reason, his life had been unexpectedly rescued. And now he was sitting here laughing, with a chance at a new life, next to his new friend. It’s funny how life-”

    You borrowed that part from my poetry, didn’t you? 😛

    This was fun, in a disgusting sorta way. Keep writing!

  2. Angel says:

    Lol…. keep writing!

  3. Delilah says:

    kinda gross but fuuny. and i needed that today 🙂 miss this kinda writing of yours. i remember one such post i really liked was about raining golden drops of sunshine and a rainwater globe sun. so yeah, write morrrre!

  4. Chavie says:

    Hahaha 😀 Nice one.

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