When Inanimate Objects Attack

Has anyone else got the feeling that techno-gadgets sometimes seem to have an Artificial Intelligence of their own and they do shit to just piss you off?

No? It’s just me? OK. 😛

I am not even joking around when I say my PC and Printer and other seemingly inanimate objects (I’m onto you, spawn of satan!) have been continuously competing with each other all my life to see who can trigger the worst swear words from my mouth.

Scenario 1 : Age 8
Sticking paper into Fax machine, faxing a friend important super secret documents (i.e. colourful doodles).
The fax is progressing. Halfway through, I flippantly comment, Ma, this black fax machine is so fat and ugly! We should get a new small yellow one no?
Fax machine spits out paper violently before completing fax, even tearing off the edges of super secret documents. 😦

Scenario 2 : Age 12
Me: Hungry!
Dad: Go warm up this morning’s chinese rolls.
Waiting for the Microwave to finish its long 2-minute warm-up…
Me: Hurry up, monkey! (smacks Microwave on its side)
Microwave makes series of bzz-bzz noises and stops abruptly, halting all function for the next half hour, sniggering evilly as I get lectured by Dad about kindness to electrical appliances.

Scenario 3 : Age 16
Computer lagging like a crackwhore on her fifteenth joint.
Me (to screen): You really are a piece of shit, you know that?
Plastic side of CPU electrocutes my toe and internet connection conveniently shuts off for the whole day.

Scenario 4 : Age 18
Paper gets jammed in Printer.
Chokka Bunnis and I switch off the electricity to the machine and are attempting to extract the paper.
Me (at Printer): Gimme the paper, you bastard!
Printer electrocutes me. Electricity travels to my elbow, elbow touches Chokka, who gets electrocuted too.

Scenario 5 : Age 19
Uploading important photographs for an assignment.
It’s taking (uncharacteristically) forever, and pushing on my deadline.
Me (at screen): My cricket bat shall be the death of you, cruel nemesis! (Wields imaginary Star Wars light sword)
All windows suddenly close on their own in the middle of uploads. Convenient Firefox Crash.
Meanwhile the Scanner is making continuous weirdass noises like it’s being gang raped by a pack of wolves.
Me: Could you please shut the fuck up?
Scanner shuts up.

Now, now, I know what you’re going to say.
Makuluwo, you initiated all those assaults, how do you think calling the poor appliance a piece of shit makes it feel?

But, dammit, if they’d just work properly, I wouldn’t even need to call them all those mean, hurtful things!

Or you’ll say
Makuluwo, inanimate objects can’t understand people. Those were all just coincidences. Did you take your medication, sweetie?

But I know for a fact that they are acutely aware of it when I swear at them, I tell you!
They know when to electrocute me or malfunction exactly on cue… Coincidence?
I THINK NOT!

Pure sinister.
I sense reckless loose electricity from the computer parts later today.
Better get the rubber slippers ready.

Oh and here’s something lovely from xkcd, my belated Valentines sentiment.
I’ve got to find someone I’d be this nuts about.